Stephanie Marie Uhranowsky *** PREFACE AND PSA *** Before we proceed, I must preface this topic with the following: doing deep dives with and within the self can and will bring up a lot of things. It includes a heightened degree of self-awareness and self-reflection. Oftentimes, it's some really heavy shit to be moving through. It requires us to be critical of ourselves during these internal investigations. We must ask ourselves a lot of questions in order to gain a greater sense of self and to increase our accountability - who we are, why we behave the way we do, why we act and react the way we do, why we express emotions with and without regulation, why certain feelings arise during certain instances, and the list goes on.
Shadow work has you actively seeking out the uncomfortable and making you sit in that discomfort, with no one else but you. It will challenge you in a very intense way – both psychologically and emotionally. Therefore, self-checks throughout the process are necessary. Self-care is encouraged often. And it is more than okay to have as many time outs, pauses, and sabbaticals from the work as are necessary.
Depending on your emotional state and mental well-being beforehand, as well as after the journey begins, some may want to consider additional support through a mental health professional, especially those with a lot to unpack in terms of adverse childhood experiences, generational trauma, personal trauma, etc.
Shadow work is a term thrown around quite frequently in our witchy circles and communities as if it has become a requirement to walk the crooked path. Please remember: shadow work is not a requirement. Shadow work is not easy nor is it fun and it is certainly not a Tiktok trend. But with all that being said, the process of working with the shadow aids us in our ability to integrate and understand all parts of the self, working towards the acknowledgement and acceptance of our whole selves, evolving into a truer, more authentic version of who looks back at us in the mirror. It alters the way we operate in this world. And in turn, it may heighten the spiritual self and aid our magical work.
We cannot change anything until we accept it.
Carl Jung
WHAT IS THE SHADOW?
The shadow was first brought into the Western world by psychologist Carl Jung. He described it as the unconscious and disowned parts of our personalities that we fail to see, acknowledge, and accept. It is any aspect of ourselves that is not exposed to the light of our consciousness.
For many people, the term ‘shadow’ brings up negative associations. Because of this, it is easy to assume that shadow work is a dark spiritual practice that involves the sinister aspects of our personality. But that's not entirely true. The shadow is dark because we are made of both light and dark aspects. Light and dark are a part of us all. As are the things we can easily change and the things that might just have to be acknowledged and accepted, not necessarily changed.
KING ARTHUR AND THE SHADOWS OF THE ROUNDTABLE
This example was a way for me personally to simplify the shadow and how this all works. Picture yourself as a gendered/genderless Arthur seated at a grand roundtable. The knight(s) seated beside you and/or around the table is/are your shadow self/selves.
Most of the time, the light is shining down upon you. You're in the spotlight, you have command of the table, you are the one speaking and acting on behalf of everyone seated there.But then something happens. A feeling. An action. A behavior. A thought. A comment. Something or someone triggers you. And the spotlight moves from you to your shadow self. They are now in the light - speaking, acting, and reacting on your behalf.
And the trouble is, this happens subconsciously. You don't feel or recognize the shift. You have no idea your shadow self has taken over. It only ever felt as if you were seated at this massive round table all by yourself. You and you alone were feeling, acting, behaving, and responding.
Why?
Because the shadow is an inner fragmentation that occurs within you. As children, we are born whole and complete, but that wholeness is short-lived. The shadow is born in our childhood as a byproduct of certain interactions we had with the people closest to us. Our parents, caretakers, our friends, our family, our teachers, our religion and religious leaders, and our general societal constructs make us believe that certain aspects of ourselves are good and others are not. The aspects that are seen as bad must be rejected, denounced, dismissed, abolished and consequently, they begin to form the shadow. Every time you act out of your shadow, it has the opportunity to grow bigger. The repression continues. The shadow gains power and has the ability to turn your life upside down and sometimes destroy your most cherished relationships.
HOW THE SHADOW AFFECTS US
When we depend on others for survival (because we are children, not yet adults), we unknowingly suppress the aspects of ourselves that are disapproved of, and we begin to exaggerate the aspects that are approved.
EXAMPLES:
There is an 8-year-old boy who is very much in tune with his feelings. He is sensitive, kind, and caring. Willing and wanting to express his emotions. Something happens that upsets the child and the child begins to cry. In response, his dad says, “Stop crying like a little boy! Boys don't cry!”
His dad believes crying is unmanly and unnecessary and so he suppresses his son’s emotions. As a result, the son pushes this gentle and sensitive side of himself into the shadows and begins to “act tough” like his dad wants him to. He doesn't want to disappoint him. He wants to make him proud.
Now as an adult, he has trouble feeling things and expressing his emotions, even when it’s needed, wanted, or asked of him. And because of that, he struggles in his relationships. He's not allowing himself to be fully seen. He's holding back. He has been conditioned to suppress anything that isn't "manly" which may include being affectionate, allowing oneself to grieve over a lost loved one, or express empathy and compassion.
Enter a little girl who is angry about something and starts to express those emotions. Immediately, her mom tells her to “Stop it! Stop being so bad! Be a good girl!! Good girls don't complain. They do what they are told.” Every time the little one gets angry, her mom repeats the same thing. Anger is bad. Anger is not good. To be good, girls should not be angry.
“It must be bad to be angry,” the little girl thinks. “I have to try very hard not to get angry.” With time, she dissociates from her anger — but that doesn't make it disappear. She grows up believing she always has to have it together. Being "a good girl" morphs into "being nice." Doing what she's told. Biting her tongue. Becoming a pushover. A doormat. Her anger shows up in a roundabout way. Sometimes passive aggressive. Sometimes uncontrolled and explosive. Most times taken out on no one but herself. Surprise! That little girl was me. And anger was one of my shadows.
As women, we are socialized in both overt and covert ways to be nice, not make a fuss and not rock the boat. When we are taught by our loved ones and by our culture to bite our tongue in service of keeping the peace, we can get very disconnected from trusting our feelings and from feeling safe to work with this emotion when it flares up. Anger is not an emotion we are "allowed" to feel or express so we try our very best to suppress it out of existence. But it’s actually the unexpressed or suppressed anger that can get ugly.
THE ROLE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND
We can call the subconscious mind the shadow because we cannot see it clearly and thus are not aware of it. The conscious mind is akin to the light because we can see it clearly and are aware of it. A file dump into the subconscious is everything we reject about ourselves — the unacceptable and unwanted bits. The bad things. The dirty things. The un-tolerable things. The quirky, weird things. The minute you or someone else says something about you is “bad,” it gives you a reason to suppress, ignore, or deny it. It moves into the shadow. Even though the shadow is unseen, it still affects everything we do.
When we deny an aspect of ourselves, it doesn’t just disappear. It fades away from our conscious awareness and moves into the shadows. The shadow — with a life of its own — begins to affect our actions and life experiences, sometimes heavily, if we aren't paying attention to it.
** The shadow is the reason we do certain things in life without understanding why we do it. And we feel like we are unable to stop it. A perilous journey we have no control over. **
We become adults and we should be able to handle life better, right? We should be able to stop ourselves from falling into the same unhealthy patterns, the same toxic relationships, the same behaviors that cause chaos and dysfunction. But history keeps repeating itself. And then we move into a paralyzing stagnancy, feeling as if there is nothing more that we can do and this is how it is and there's nothing more to see or do. But that’s because the shadow operates outside of our conscious awareness - in the form of unconscious and limiting beliefs.
THE SHADOW ISN’T ALWAYS DARK
The shadow contains many potential gifts and talents that haven’t been unearthed yet. Great things lie in wait in our shadows. Positive aspects of ourselves are sometimes contained in the shadow because we were told they were "bad" or "inappropriate" or "unacceptable". Because we fear what others will think, believe, or feel when we tap into those parts of ourselves.
Let’s say that a girl is born with a strong sense of self. She knows who she is; she knows what she likes and doesn’t like; she asks for what she wants and she for sure isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She is a strong little girl but she was raised in a family that constantly tells her to tone it all down because she's just “too much.”
The parts of her that are strong and confident are rejected, so she rejects those aspects of herself.She grows up to be quiet, sweet, and obedient. But she doesn't understand why her life is so painful. The truth is, she suppressed some important aspects of herself and therefore feels divided. She has a shadow side she doesn’t quite know how to bring to the light.
WHY DIVISION ISN'T COPASETIC
Separation and division are not a natural state of being for humans. We seek wholeness and integration. Because of this, the subconscious is continually trying to get our attention to integrate what’s there. It wants us to be whole. It wants to shine a light on the aspects of self that we have suppressed into the unconscious. And because our shadow lives in the unconscious, in the dark side of self, it is hard to see.
SO WHAT'S THE GOAL? INTEGRATION OF SELF. WHOLENESS.
Shadow work is nothing but to make the unconscious conscious and the unacceptable acceptable. That’s all you are trying to accomplish. The goal of shadow work is integration. The integration of the unconscious leads to complete and total awareness. To do shadow work is to bring your shadow closer to you. It is a part of who you are, after all. When you shine a light on this kind of shadow, it gets smaller. It is made known. And what we cannot change, we remain aware of. We understand. We work in tandem with. And with awareness comes control.
HOW DO WE BEGIN? START TO SPOT YOUR SHADOW IN ACTION.
Projection
Many people project their issues onto others. When we dislike something in ourselves, we're prone to point it out in someone else. We might accuse or make light of something that lives within us. We often project our shadows — our repressed anger, guilt, shame, jealousy, envy, mistrust and a slew of other things we don't like about ourselves — onto others. We lash out at people for the behaviors we don’t like in ourselves. Pay attention to how you project yourself into the outside world. Because the universe works to make us whole again. People, places and things become a mirror and reflect who we really are.
Triggers
A trigger is a reminder of past trauma. The surface events that cause conflicts in our lives are not just triggers — they are messengers that enable us to become conscious of something that is buried deep within us. Pay attention to your triggers because they can show you your wounds and your shadow self easily. Try to catch your emotional triggers before you act out, not after. There is power in the pause.
Patterns
Repeating patterns in our lives point us to aspects of our shadow. Patterns are expressions of the shadow because the shadow mirrors itself into your reality to be seen and integrated. The shadow wants you to become aware of it. It wants to be seen and accepted. Within these patterns, you will find aspects of your shadow self that will keep showing up in different situations until you are ready to look at them and break the cycle.
RESISTING SHADOW WORK
Shadow work is sometimes a controversial or taboo subject. Some believe that if you go looking for dark things, all you will find is more dark things. Enter the "light, love and positive vibes only" folks. Toxic positivity. Yes, too much positivity can be a toxic thing, especially if it's forced. A disturbance in the force can go both ways. Too much of the dark side? Not good. Too much of the light? Still not good. Balance and moderation is key in many arenas, including this one. Denying parts of ourselves tips that balance. Focusing only on the light doesn’t make the dark go away. The dark is just on the other side, waiting for a time to show its face. It doesn't like to be ignored. And it will rear its ugly head whether you like it or not, whether you acknowledge it or not.
If you are worried about what you might find, there is probably something important you should be seeking that instead you are avoiding. Consider this an invitation to begin the work. WHEN YOU ARE READY. This work is necessary to understand, love, and accept your WHOLE self. Not just the parts of you that were deemed acceptable and worthy by loved ones, others, or society. And the truth is, no one can do this work for you. This journey is your own. It is a solitary journey. It belongs to you.
Shadow work isn't complicated or difficult in terms of how it is done, only difficult in the things you may face and come to know and understand about who you are. You will face your whole truth. The best, the good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it. It is becoming aware of what’s hidden and gradually acknowledging, accepting, and sometimes healing those aspects of yourself. Discovering. Uncovering. Unraveling. Embracing. Letting go. Understanding. Becoming. Working towards the most authentic version of you - which is both light and dark and beautiful in its duality.It may help to journal or jot these moments, feelings, triggers, etc. down as they come up so you have an opportunity to sit and let it all marinate, revisit them again in the future, and reflect back.